Depression.

I'm just going to come right out and say it. Depression sucks. I am driven by an never-ending need to find effective treatment, while simultaneously feeling drained by overwhelming feelings of apathy, and depression. T.V. shows I used to laugh out loud at, hobbies I used to crave the time to practice. Now, I have nothing but free time and none of these activities I used to love bring me an ounce of joy. I feel completely lost.

However, I won't give up. One thing that has brought me joy is listening to podcasts and going on walks around my neighborhood. Getting outside is so important, and considering I am literally bedridden with pain some days, I am ashamed to admit that some days I don't even leave my house. Getting outside gives me a little taste of that vitamin D folks are always talking about, as well as the opportunity to exercise a little without putting too much strain on my body. With chronic pain, it's all about finding the balance between doing enough exercise to feel the benefits, without pushing yourself too far and potentially doing more harm than good. Luckily, activities that one enjoys are much easier to turn into daily habits. I mean look at that view!

That's all for now,

Gemma

A step forward

It's been a long time since I've posted on this blog. Years in fact. I definitely got caught up with life. Finishing my college degree, starting work full-time, going on diability, and then quitting my job due to my deteriorating health. I spent last night in the emergency room, and left with no answers, yet again.

A small health update: I still have a chronic daily headache and chronic migraines. I have a fast heart rate that resulted from my cardiac ablation to cure my heart condition. I suffer from anxiety and depression. And, most debilitating of all, I have persistent left lower quadrant abdominal pain. I have had ruptured ovarian cysts and adhesions that were surgically removed. I've had a laparascopic hysteroscopy, a colonoscopy, and trigger point injections in my abdomen both with and without anesthesia (pro tip- get the anesthesia, they hurt like a mother). I have had this pain periodically since August of 2016, but it became constant after my laparoscopic hysteroscopy in March. I haven't seen improvements with any of the treatments I've tried so far, and it's getting to the point where even walking down the hallway is hard. I'm not really sure where to go from here. 
I have wanted to post here so many times. I read an article recently about perfectionism. How, as perfectionists, many of us can appear lazy because, many times, we won't even attempt a project for fear that it won't live up to our unrealistically high expectations. I definitely relate to this feeling. I am constantly putting things off because I don't want to fail. Tonight is a huge step forward. I am writing this post in an effort to push aside the fears and make a leap into a world that will likely involve some failure. But I find that, as I'm writing this, I'm kinda ok with that. 
I have an appointment with my pain management doctor tomorrow, so I hope to post an update here afterwards with some answers. Fingers crossed!

Progress through Appointments

Today I made some doctors appointments that I feel could provide some good insight into a lot of my issues. I will be seeing a sleep specialist at the beginning of June, who is also a neurologist, due to my sleep schedule being weird. Last night I slept from 12AM -6AM, and then 10AM-12PM, which is odd. My frequent awakenings in the night and trouble falling asleep are some issues I would like to discuss with her. Getting a good night's rest is important even if you aren't in chronic pain, so hopefully this doctor will be able to give me some answers and make my sleep feel more restful.

I am also going back to see the neurologist I saw last summer, whom I really like. He bases all of his treatment plans and advice off of neurological studies, and what the science tells us. He doesn't let his own preconceived notions about a more abstract treatment, such as acupuncture, prevent him from recommending that treatment to a patient. As an aspiring engineer studying math and science, I appreciate this. I also find it important not to dismiss more holistic methods due to my adverse reactions to some medications, which I may discuss in a later blog post. 

My head is getting more painful now and I feel I may be developing a migraine. Off to get a snack and rest! At least I have a little more hope heading into the next few weeks knowing that I have these appointments on the books.